All of Me

Ashley has continued to send me reassuring text messages about Alissa being our daughter. Next week is the 1st doctor's appointment we will go with her. We are excited about this opportunity....to be able to get to know Ashley, to go to doctor's appointments, to possibly be in the delivery, and to be close to our baby while she is in Ashley's belly. It's an amazing opportunity. And now Ashley has told me she would really like to go to the birthing classes...and she wants me to go with her. Another amazing chance to be close to you, our Alissa, and to Ashley as well. Guess I am gonna be spending a lot of time driving back and forth the Niagara Falls! I sent a couple of friends a message the other day saying "God help me if this doesn't work out! Because I am ALL in." One of my friends responded saying that reminds her of a Matt Hammitt song called "All of Me", and she said "You gotta be all in. It's your child. How could you not give your whole self." I hadn't heard of that song so I looked it up online and listened to it. It is so perfect, it brought me to tears! And later in the day I had Jason listen to it, too and he loved it as well. Here are the perfectly beautiful lyrics:

80 days

"Your newborn is due in 80 days - the second trimester is almost over!" This is what my new "Expecting Baby" app on my iPhone says today. Ashley's due date was changed to March 2. But we are all expecting that Alissa will arrive early, probably sometime in February. I am hoping she makes it until at least the week of Feb 3 because that will be 36 weeks. So far so good, as far as our contact with Ashely. We have texted with each other every day since we met. She typically initiates the texts, and although they are brief, they are always positive. Still, I am looking forward to seeing her in person again next week to get some in-person reassurance, and to get to know her better. I am so looking forward to her doctor's appointment on Dec 30. That will be a big step in seeing her committment. We have told almost all of our friends and our family. Everyone is so excited!

Good Morning Alissa's Mommy

Ashley sent me a message this morning that read "Good morning Alissa's Mommy". I was in Walmart at the time looking at cute girly outfits. I started to cry. I bought a couple outfits for Alissa....a cute pink sleeper I just loved, a pretty purple fleece with stars on it to maybe wear home from the hospital, and a cute monkey shirt. When I got in the car, I started to cry again. Tears of absolute joy. I went into the house and told Jay. And I said that I am just so emotional. He said that it's just like I am pregnant and hormonal. HAHA! Later on when we were talking about how this all is working out, Jay said "God is good". Truer words have never been spoken. I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing but jumping all in. It feels right. And I think it helps Ashley to know that we are looking forward to being Alissa's parents. But it is scarey too. She could change her mind. Our hearts could be broken. But I do believe that this is our daughter. And to be able to have the opportunity to get to know her birthmom before the birth, and to be present from now on, it means the world to me. I have to go all in. I don't know how else to do this.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!!!!

This is the first chance I have gotten to sit down and write about yesterday's meeting with Ashley. I wanted to be sure to write ASAP so as to not forget anything that was said. But there were so many really memorable moments! First off, we went to Dunkin Donuts, and they went to Honey's across the street. Apparently, we were given the wrong restaurant, but correct address. We decided to leave our car at Dunkin Donuts and just walk across the busy Niagara Falls Blvd. We walked into the restaurant and I saw Sue...and someone with her sorta hiding behind the menu. TOO CUTE! Then we saw her - this petite, pretty, sweet young woman smiling at us. We introduced ourselves and shook hands. I wanted to hug her but I wasn't sure what her comfort level was. Conversation came easy. Jay says I'm good at those sorta things. I guess I am. But Ashley was so great too! She shared so many details of her life with us in this first meeting. And I think Jay and I both fell in love with her very soon into the meeting. She speaks very slowly, but very intentionally and with a lot of heart. I was being very careful to not get ahead of ourselves, and not speak as though she was definitely selecting us. But Ashley kept speaking in definites. We talked about our families, about our hopes for the future, about what type of adoption this may be. She showed us pictures of her son, Anthony, and daughter, Anneliese. I told her about our other adoptions and what they look like. She told us what she liked (actually loved!) about our profile. She loved our video profile. She loved that we have the baby's room all ready and a closet full of clothes. She loves that both of our boys are adopted. She loves that we take a lot of trips and that "she" would be able to go to Disney World and other places. Actually the very first thing she said was that we seemed to have "bouncy" personalities - she liked that we seemed very outgoing and active and not too old. She likes how family oriented we are and she loves that we want a daughter. She loved the poem I wrote and how happy the boys look in the profile. Gosh, it was so awesome to hear how many things she really liked about us. It was sounding as if she had actually chosen us. But I was still not sure she had. We talked about the name we liked and how we came about choosing that name. She LOVED the name Alissa Teora. She has a lot of Italian in her so she really liked that connection a lot. She also really loves that her name, my name and all of our kids' names start with the letter "A". Then she asked us if we could attend doctor appointments with her. She told us that she would love us to be able to experience as much of the pregnancy and birth as possible. She wants us (or maybe just me, it wasn't clear) to be in the delivery room and to cut the umbilical cord and to hold the baby right away. Tears filled my eyes (it wasn't the only time during this meeting that happened!). I told her that would be an absolute dream come true for me. We gave her the present and card. She absolutely loved both, and she especially loved that we have the same ornament. PHEW! I had been second guessing that decision. At some point Ashley glanced at Sue and then said something like "You know Sue and I talked beforehand and I told her that I had picked you guys but that I wanted to tell you in person so that I could see your faces when I told you!" Tears, again!

We exchanged phone numbers, took a few pictures with the three of us and made plans for our next lunch on Dec 16. We also made plans to attend her next doctor's appointment on Dec 30. Ashley kept reassuring us that she is committed to this adoption, that she will not change her mind and that WE are Alissa's parents. We thanked her over and over again, and told her that we know that she still has a right to change her mind, and we would understand. But she kept telling us over and over again how we do not need to be nervous. She wants us to jump right in and be nothing but excited. She told us she is going to give us our daughter and then our family will be complete. WOW. We talked for 2 hours. We could have talked for 10 more. She told us how happy she was and what a huge relief it was knowing that we would be adopting her baby. She was smiling so much and really seemed happy and relieved. Finally, we walked her and Sue to the car and Ashley showed us the ultrasound pictures. WOW. I do not know what else to say, but WOW and AMAZING! The ultrasound was just about a week and a half ago and in 3D.

We could see her face so clearly! I have seen u/s pictures before, but they've always been something I just glance at because they've always reminded me of what we haven't been able to experience. But this is OUR daughter we were looking at (and I've looked at probably 100 times since yesterday!). AMAZING. Ashley insisted that we keep the pictures. She said we should have them because she is our daughter. I finally got her to agree to let me make copies so she can have them too. We hugged goodbye and Jay and I walked away to cross the street to our car. We held hands and all I could say was "SERIOUSLY?!" I couldn't stop smiling, but I also felt sorta in shock. That meeting could not have gone ANY better (Jay says the only thing that would have made it better was if the restaurant didn't smell like fish). As we were crossing the street, they were turning and waved. Jay and I got into our car and immediately I sent a text to a few people who were waiting to hear how it went. Replies were coming in faster than I could keep up. And then my phone rang and it was Sue Shaw. She told me that she really isn't suppose to do this but she had to tell me "When that girl got out of my car, she was smiling from ear to ear!". Awesome! A few minutes later I got a text message from Ashley. It said "I'm soooo happy you guys!" And then she asked for me to send her the pictures we took at the restaurant. She texted me more later and told me how she is still smiling and how ecstatic she is about it all. After texting and then talking to our friends and family, I was EXHAUSTED. What a day! We are gonna have a daughter. We are gonna have Alissa Teora, our Lil Ms. Tuff. SERIOUSLY???!!

Meeting Ashley

We received 8 profile opportunities in the first 2 months. Then nothing for almost 2 months. Then we got called on 12/2/13 about an opportunity. I decided this time that I wouldn't ask as many questions, I wouldn't tell so many people and I wouldn't call to follow-up. I was going to be more non-challant and calm about it. Even though the baby girl is due on my Granny's birthday. So when Shannon called 2 days later saying she had some news that hopefully would make my morning a little bit better (I had a not so great morning for a different reason). She told me that Ashley LOVED our profile and really wanted to meet us. The only concern is that she really would want us to go to doctor appointments with her and she was worried we might not want to drive all the way to Niagara Falls for the appointments. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!! To have the opportunity to get to know our potential daughter's birthmom prior to birth, and to go to the doctor appointments, hear the heartbeat and maybe even see an ultrasound...and MAYBE even have the opportunity to be at the hospital, maybe even present for the birth - wow. That would be an absolute dream come true for me! So we arranged a time to meet for lunch today. This is a picture of us before we left the house in the morning.

That night I didn't sleep much at all. Last night I slept better. But I got up this morning with a nervous stomach...and hair that wouldn't cooperate. Why is it when I wanna look my best, my hair won't cooperate?! So many thoughts have been going through my head...is this outfit a good choice? Do I look too old? Or too dressy? or too casual? What will she look like? What will she BE like? Will she like us? Will we like her? Is the small present I got for her a good choice (I got her the same butterfly ornnament I bought for us this year)? I could go on and on... And then the BIG question: What if everything goes great and this day is the day we are meeting our daughter's birthmom??!! Our baby girl could be in our presence today at lunch with Ashley. In her belly. I pray no matter what that she is safe and healthy. But if today is this day, what will the next 2.5 months be like? Filled with anxiety and anticipation? I am sure! Yesterday Drew insisted on making a bow barette FOR HIS BABY SISTER.

His teachers wrote "Lil Ms. Tuff" on the pink bow. So sweet. I got tears in my eyes. And then last night he intentionally placed the bow right next to the card and gift box that I set aside for Ashley. He doesn't know who the box and card are for. Or maybe he does?! Wouldn't that be something?! So I have to leave work in 20 minutes to meet Jay and drive to Dunkin Donuts to meet with Ashley (and Sue, the birthparent advocate). Nervous stomach come now or STAY AWAY! I am going to try to fix my hair once again. And put on some lip gloss. And say some prayers.

My morning sickness

Since getting that first profile opportunity we have been called 5 more times with opportunities. C has since decided to parent, another woman only wanted to consider AA or biracial couples, K has yet to make any decisions, T selected another couple and we had to turn down 2 cases due to lots of risks and/or finances. The good news is that LOTS of baby girls are going to be placed in the next couple of months, and we have been profiled a TON in the last few weeks! We never expected to receive so many opportunities and definitely not in such a short period of time. All of the cases have been transracial, and with each one I get more and more excited about that potential. But today's call was particularly difficult. A few days ago we got called about an opportunity which we ended up turning down. Then later that day we got called about T. T's situation was one that we were very comfortable with and excited about. We were even more excited that we were only up against 3 other couples. Over the weekend I felt all kinds of connection to T and this baby. And then we got another call this morning about another opportunity. When Shannon finally called back she told me that she had some news about T as well. T had selected a couple and was moving forward with them. My heart sank. But then I thought, well, maybe this next opportunity will make up for it. As Shannon started to tell me about J, I knew failry quickly that it was not the situation for us. Too many risks, some of which we are not even open to on our grids. And she also wants a closed adoption. So to say that this phone call was disappointing is a MAJOR understatement. I feel like I was kicked after I was knocked down. I knew we wouldn't move forward with J but I couldn't even voice that to Shannon at that minute. I just tried to focus on not crying in front of my coworkers. This part of the journey stinks. It really does. I know that our daughter will find us when the time is right and when she does it'll all be worth it. I know that. But right now what I feel is utter sadness. I have been handling all these calls really well. But this call today hit me especially hard, and sorta unexpectedly. I think I thought that since only 4 couples were being profiled for T, that we would have a REALLY good chance at getting selected. But then a friend reminded me: "In reality, you didn't stand a chance, regardless of the numbers, simply because she wasn't yours. But know she IS out there waiting for the perfect time. And it won't matter how many other families are profiled. You will be selected because she is YOURS." She is right. God has a plan. And as Jay said this morning, He already knows who our daughter is. Still, this is hard. The same friend who said those wise words above also told me this: "This is your morning sickness, heartburn, swollen feet, sleepless nights and labor all wraPped in one". This is our journey to our daughter through adoption. It is, as it was for both of our boys. But different still. But we have the benefit of seeing miracles happen, of knowing from experience that the babies meant for us will find us. So we will hold onto that. Even through this difficult day.

A reminder....

We have been waiting for a couple days to hear more details about how the meeting with the expectant mom, C, went, and when the next meeting will be. Today we were told that C was struggling with feeling very overwhelmed and the meeting was rough for her. So she wants to take a few weeks before making any decisions. What will her decision be? Will she narrow the families down? Will she want to meet with any of us? Or will she chose one of us then? I don't know. But I do know, that as much as I would LOVE for her to chose us and for this baby girl to be our Butterfly, I know that this isn't really about us right now. Right now, it's about C and her baby. I have had C on my heart since getting the profile call last week. Hearing her background and current situation as well as her desires for a REAL relationship with the adoptive parents she chooses, has opened my heart to her and has made me want to be able to give her what she wants and needs not only for her baby, but also for herself. But, I honestly can say that I want her to make the right decision for her baby and for her, and so I am glad she is taking her time. The wait will not be the easiest for us, but her journey to this decision is a million times harder for her. I will keep her and her baby in my prayers and try to leave our desires out of it. I truely hope she finds what she is looking for in one of the families. Maybe it'll be us, maybe it won't. But if I know anything, I know that things work out the way they should, and this baby will find the family she is meant for. I am sad for C. And as hard as it is to know that on one side of the decision is sorrow and loss, and the other side is celebration and joy, I am glad Jay and I were reminded of her side. It helps put things into perspective a bit better.

SURPRISE opportunity!

A couple of weeks ago we sent in our entire homestudy packet. I still needed to finish and fine tune our profile. And Jay and I talked about working on our video profile. But we were pretty much on schedule to where we wanted to be. Our plan was to be officially homestudy ready by October 1, 2013. That was the plan. Then this past Friday (August 16), I received a call from Shannon, our family advocate at STAR. I was shopping in Target on my lunch break. I didn't think anything of seeing her call because we had just spoken the day before about incoming references. But then she said, "I actually am calling you about a profile opportunity.". Um, WHAT?! Seriously?! I mean, we are not even officially waiting yet. I started thinking, well, this has got to be an extremely risky situation, because why else would they be calling a family that isn't yet homestudy approved? Shannon asked if I had a pen and paper, and since I was in the store I didn't. I quickly checked out and rushed to my car and found a pen and paper. I called Shannon back and started scribbling down the details as quickly as she provided them. To sum up- expectant mom is 21 year old Hispanic/Caucasian young woman. Expectant dad is 27 years old and African American. She wants an extremely open adoption and for the adoptive family to see the open adoption as a welcomed relationship, instead of a burden. I waited for the "bad" news, the risks, the reason they'd call US and not just use already waiting families. But there were no red flags. Nothing that even brought me pause. Shannon told me that because of C's focus on a good open relationship, and because of our family's experience with, and love of, open adoption, they thought this would be a great match! Um, YES! The catch - we had to finish up our profile and get it to STAR by Tues August 20. Totally doable. So, I very excitedly called Jay and relayed all the info. He was a bit in shock at the fact that we even got called. Again, we are not officially waiting so in no way were we ever expecting any calls until at least October. But we very quickly agreed that we wanted to be profiled. I quickly called Shannon back to let her know and then I started sending a few obnoxiously elated text messages to my sister and a few friends. That evening after work, we got together with Jason's family, including some out of town relatives. It was a nice night. But Jay and I both had a hard time not being distracted by our utter excitement and nervousness. I just kept thinking about how I needed to get home and finish the profile. One other call I made was to Andrew's birthmom. She had wanted to include something in our profile so I had to tell her she needed to do it ASAP. She could tell how excited I was and agreed she wanted to contribute some words. Fast forward to the rest of the weekend. I finished the profile, including some sweet words from Drew's birthmom and his birth great-grandmother. I am happy with the end result. I put a big focus on open adoption, and hope that C sees how committed we are to these relationships. She will view our profile, along with possibly 8 others, tomorrow afternoon. EEEEEK!!!!

Black Butterfly?

I have considered naming this blog "Black Butterfly". I came across this nickname while reading another blog, and it sorta stuck with me, especially because I already decorated the baby's nursery with butterflies. But why Black Butterfly? Well, that's because one morning a few months ago I woke up with a sense of peace, confidence and excitement about our future daughter. I have had an AA/briacial little girl in my heart for awhile now. But I have been overwhelmed by all of the "extra" challenges a transracial family faces. Were we up for it? How would our friends and family react? Would we be able to help her form a healthy racial identity while still feeling like she belonged with our family? How would she feel being the only AA/biracial member of our little family? But on that morning, I literally woke up and felt like God spoke to me, and all of a sudden I felt totally at peace and open - all worries aside. And I am excited. I truely feel in my heart that our little girl is going to be our beautiful Black Butterfly. I know it is truely out of our hands. But we are open to receiving whatever color butterfly God sends our way. And the rest will fall into place.

And so it begins...

Today is May 16, 2013. Tis the season for us to start the process to adopt again. The 1st time, we were completing our homestudy in May. The 2nd time we were already waiting by May. And now this time, we are sending in our registration packet today. But this time will be a little (or a lot) different. This time around, we are super busy with our 2 boys. I'd like to think because of our ultra busy-ness that the process, the wait, the profile opportunities won't be as difficult. But then again, we do expect our wait to be a lot longer than the previous two times. We do already have 2 boys. And we are 5 years older than when we began the process the 1st time. And....we are going to wait specifically for a girl. Some people may "get" why we want a girl this time. Others won't understand. With our 1st 2 adoptions, we didn't have a gender preference. And we couldn't be happier that we have our 2 boys, and they have each other. But our family does not feel complete. Both of us have always wanted to experience having a daughter. My heart melts when I see Jay with our friends' little girls, and I see his eyes shine. And I have always wanted a little girl (not so sure about a teenage girl, but I'll have some time to adjust to that - haha!). And so I am off to the post office today to send the registration packet to Adoption STAR. And then we will start the homestudy process. And then we will wait. And hope. And pray. For a baby girl...maybe even our Black Butterfly.