Our Polar Vortex Princess

The last time I posted, we were awaiting your arrival. We thought we'd be waiting for at least another month, maybe even 2 since you weren't due until March 2. We were prepared for you to come a little early....maybe in February. We were not prepared for the phone call we received at 5:40am on Weds January 8, 2014. My cell phone rang, startling both me and Daddy. I quickly answered it only to hear Ashley's mom introduce herself and then frantically say "Oh my God! The baby came! The baby came!" Knowing that this was 8 weeks early and hearing your birth grandmother's voice, I became desperate for more information, worried of what she might say next. She went on to say that you were born outside. This was in the middle of a frigid storm recently labeled the Polar Vortex. I knew that temps were in the single digits with wind chills way below zero. I was scared. What did this mean? So I asked Kim, "Is the baby alive?" FINALLY, she gave me confirmation that you were alive...and breathing on your own and according to the paramedics, doing really well. Ashley was ok too. How relieved I was. But still, we knew that you were very early and we still didn't know exactly what that meant, how your health was, what Ashley wanted, etc. You were just born less than 10 minutes before Kim called. That was a good sign that Ashley was still committed to placing. Kim then told us that Ashley wanted us to go to the hospital to be with you. But the thruway to Buffalo was closed still, and we had to make arrangements for the boys. After getting off the phone with Kim, I called Nana and woke her up. I was in shock, not really knowing what to do. Daddy and I made a plan. Luckily, Mommy is prepared and had already packed to-go bags for the hospital, for you, for Ashley and for us in case we needed to stay overnight. So we took the boys to school and daycare and headed towards Buffalo, not knowing what hospital you would end up at. Both you and Ashley were initially brought the Mt. St. Mary's near Niagara Falls, NY.

But since that hospital doesn't have a NICU, you had to be transferred to Children's Hospital in Buffalo. Ashley's sister snapped a pic of you waiting to be transported and texted it to us. It was the first time we saw you, our beautiful daughter! We couldn't wait to see you in person, to see for ourselves how you were doing, and to pour our love onto you!

The drive to Children's Hospital took awhile due to the weather, but we found out we arrived just as you were getting settled. But we couldn't see you yet. We had to wait for all of the proper paperwork to be received giving us permission to see you. So we got our ID's, waited in the cafeteria, and prayed that you were okay and that we could see for ourselves soon. I am not sure how long we actually waited down there, it seemed like forever. But I think it was about 45 minutes. Then we got the "ok" to go up to you. I held onto the stuffed animals for you and Ashley. We were so nervous, so excited, so scared but already so in love. And there you were...so tiny, so sweet, so much hair! You were connected to monitors and IVs but breathing all on your own. So perfect! We surrounded you with your lovies and stuffed animals and as soon as we got permission to take your picture, we did.

Doctor's appointment

On Dec 30, Jason and I got to go with Ashley to her 31 weeks doctor's appointment. She introduced us to the medical staff as "The Baby's Mother and Father". Nice to hear. We got to be present for a 3D ultrasound, in which you were hiding behind your hands for the majority of it. But after some poking by the technician and Ashley, you finally gave us a view of your beautiful (and now pudgy) face! Then we got to meet the Nurse Manager who gave us a tour of the labor and delivery, and recovery rooms. It was a great experience. This hospital is going to treat all of us so well, so respectfully and with great care! We made plans to attend an ALL DAY birthing class with Ashley on Jan 11. Can't wait. We feel good about how things are progressing and the relationship we are developing with Ashley. :-)

All of Me

Ashley has continued to send me reassuring text messages about Alissa being our daughter. Next week is the 1st doctor's appointment we will go with her. We are excited about this opportunity....to be able to get to know Ashley, to go to doctor's appointments, to possibly be in the delivery, and to be close to our baby while she is in Ashley's belly. It's an amazing opportunity. And now Ashley has told me she would really like to go to the birthing classes...and she wants me to go with her. Another amazing chance to be close to you, our Alissa, and to Ashley as well. Guess I am gonna be spending a lot of time driving back and forth the Niagara Falls! I sent a couple of friends a message the other day saying "God help me if this doesn't work out! Because I am ALL in." One of my friends responded saying that reminds her of a Matt Hammitt song called "All of Me", and she said "You gotta be all in. It's your child. How could you not give your whole self." I hadn't heard of that song so I looked it up online and listened to it. It is so perfect, it brought me to tears! And later in the day I had Jason listen to it, too and he loved it as well. Here are the perfectly beautiful lyrics:

80 days

"Your newborn is due in 80 days - the second trimester is almost over!" This is what my new "Expecting Baby" app on my iPhone says today. Ashley's due date was changed to March 2. But we are all expecting that Alissa will arrive early, probably sometime in February. I am hoping she makes it until at least the week of Feb 3 because that will be 36 weeks. So far so good, as far as our contact with Ashely. We have texted with each other every day since we met. She typically initiates the texts, and although they are brief, they are always positive. Still, I am looking forward to seeing her in person again next week to get some in-person reassurance, and to get to know her better. I am so looking forward to her doctor's appointment on Dec 30. That will be a big step in seeing her committment. We have told almost all of our friends and our family. Everyone is so excited!

Good Morning Alissa's Mommy

Ashley sent me a message this morning that read "Good morning Alissa's Mommy". I was in Walmart at the time looking at cute girly outfits. I started to cry. I bought a couple outfits for Alissa....a cute pink sleeper I just loved, a pretty purple fleece with stars on it to maybe wear home from the hospital, and a cute monkey shirt. When I got in the car, I started to cry again. Tears of absolute joy. I went into the house and told Jay. And I said that I am just so emotional. He said that it's just like I am pregnant and hormonal. HAHA! Later on when we were talking about how this all is working out, Jay said "God is good". Truer words have never been spoken. I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing but jumping all in. It feels right. And I think it helps Ashley to know that we are looking forward to being Alissa's parents. But it is scarey too. She could change her mind. Our hearts could be broken. But I do believe that this is our daughter. And to be able to have the opportunity to get to know her birthmom before the birth, and to be present from now on, it means the world to me. I have to go all in. I don't know how else to do this.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!!!!

This is the first chance I have gotten to sit down and write about yesterday's meeting with Ashley. I wanted to be sure to write ASAP so as to not forget anything that was said. But there were so many really memorable moments! First off, we went to Dunkin Donuts, and they went to Honey's across the street. Apparently, we were given the wrong restaurant, but correct address. We decided to leave our car at Dunkin Donuts and just walk across the busy Niagara Falls Blvd. We walked into the restaurant and I saw Sue...and someone with her sorta hiding behind the menu. TOO CUTE! Then we saw her - this petite, pretty, sweet young woman smiling at us. We introduced ourselves and shook hands. I wanted to hug her but I wasn't sure what her comfort level was. Conversation came easy. Jay says I'm good at those sorta things. I guess I am. But Ashley was so great too! She shared so many details of her life with us in this first meeting. And I think Jay and I both fell in love with her very soon into the meeting. She speaks very slowly, but very intentionally and with a lot of heart. I was being very careful to not get ahead of ourselves, and not speak as though she was definitely selecting us. But Ashley kept speaking in definites. We talked about our families, about our hopes for the future, about what type of adoption this may be. She showed us pictures of her son, Anthony, and daughter, Anneliese. I told her about our other adoptions and what they look like. She told us what she liked (actually loved!) about our profile. She loved our video profile. She loved that we have the baby's room all ready and a closet full of clothes. She loves that both of our boys are adopted. She loves that we take a lot of trips and that "she" would be able to go to Disney World and other places. Actually the very first thing she said was that we seemed to have "bouncy" personalities - she liked that we seemed very outgoing and active and not too old. She likes how family oriented we are and she loves that we want a daughter. She loved the poem I wrote and how happy the boys look in the profile. Gosh, it was so awesome to hear how many things she really liked about us. It was sounding as if she had actually chosen us. But I was still not sure she had. We talked about the name we liked and how we came about choosing that name. She LOVED the name Alissa Teora. She has a lot of Italian in her so she really liked that connection a lot. She also really loves that her name, my name and all of our kids' names start with the letter "A". Then she asked us if we could attend doctor appointments with her. She told us that she would love us to be able to experience as much of the pregnancy and birth as possible. She wants us (or maybe just me, it wasn't clear) to be in the delivery room and to cut the umbilical cord and to hold the baby right away. Tears filled my eyes (it wasn't the only time during this meeting that happened!). I told her that would be an absolute dream come true for me. We gave her the present and card. She absolutely loved both, and she especially loved that we have the same ornament. PHEW! I had been second guessing that decision. At some point Ashley glanced at Sue and then said something like "You know Sue and I talked beforehand and I told her that I had picked you guys but that I wanted to tell you in person so that I could see your faces when I told you!" Tears, again!

We exchanged phone numbers, took a few pictures with the three of us and made plans for our next lunch on Dec 16. We also made plans to attend her next doctor's appointment on Dec 30. Ashley kept reassuring us that she is committed to this adoption, that she will not change her mind and that WE are Alissa's parents. We thanked her over and over again, and told her that we know that she still has a right to change her mind, and we would understand. But she kept telling us over and over again how we do not need to be nervous. She wants us to jump right in and be nothing but excited. She told us she is going to give us our daughter and then our family will be complete. WOW. We talked for 2 hours. We could have talked for 10 more. She told us how happy she was and what a huge relief it was knowing that we would be adopting her baby. She was smiling so much and really seemed happy and relieved. Finally, we walked her and Sue to the car and Ashley showed us the ultrasound pictures. WOW. I do not know what else to say, but WOW and AMAZING! The ultrasound was just about a week and a half ago and in 3D.

We could see her face so clearly! I have seen u/s pictures before, but they've always been something I just glance at because they've always reminded me of what we haven't been able to experience. But this is OUR daughter we were looking at (and I've looked at probably 100 times since yesterday!). AMAZING. Ashley insisted that we keep the pictures. She said we should have them because she is our daughter. I finally got her to agree to let me make copies so she can have them too. We hugged goodbye and Jay and I walked away to cross the street to our car. We held hands and all I could say was "SERIOUSLY?!" I couldn't stop smiling, but I also felt sorta in shock. That meeting could not have gone ANY better (Jay says the only thing that would have made it better was if the restaurant didn't smell like fish). As we were crossing the street, they were turning and waved. Jay and I got into our car and immediately I sent a text to a few people who were waiting to hear how it went. Replies were coming in faster than I could keep up. And then my phone rang and it was Sue Shaw. She told me that she really isn't suppose to do this but she had to tell me "When that girl got out of my car, she was smiling from ear to ear!". Awesome! A few minutes later I got a text message from Ashley. It said "I'm soooo happy you guys!" And then she asked for me to send her the pictures we took at the restaurant. She texted me more later and told me how she is still smiling and how ecstatic she is about it all. After texting and then talking to our friends and family, I was EXHAUSTED. What a day! We are gonna have a daughter. We are gonna have Alissa Teora, our Lil Ms. Tuff. SERIOUSLY???!!

Meeting Ashley

We received 8 profile opportunities in the first 2 months. Then nothing for almost 2 months. Then we got called on 12/2/13 about an opportunity. I decided this time that I wouldn't ask as many questions, I wouldn't tell so many people and I wouldn't call to follow-up. I was going to be more non-challant and calm about it. Even though the baby girl is due on my Granny's birthday. So when Shannon called 2 days later saying she had some news that hopefully would make my morning a little bit better (I had a not so great morning for a different reason). She told me that Ashley LOVED our profile and really wanted to meet us. The only concern is that she really would want us to go to doctor appointments with her and she was worried we might not want to drive all the way to Niagara Falls for the appointments. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!! To have the opportunity to get to know our potential daughter's birthmom prior to birth, and to go to the doctor appointments, hear the heartbeat and maybe even see an ultrasound...and MAYBE even have the opportunity to be at the hospital, maybe even present for the birth - wow. That would be an absolute dream come true for me! So we arranged a time to meet for lunch today. This is a picture of us before we left the house in the morning.

That night I didn't sleep much at all. Last night I slept better. But I got up this morning with a nervous stomach...and hair that wouldn't cooperate. Why is it when I wanna look my best, my hair won't cooperate?! So many thoughts have been going through my head...is this outfit a good choice? Do I look too old? Or too dressy? or too casual? What will she look like? What will she BE like? Will she like us? Will we like her? Is the small present I got for her a good choice (I got her the same butterfly ornnament I bought for us this year)? I could go on and on... And then the BIG question: What if everything goes great and this day is the day we are meeting our daughter's birthmom??!! Our baby girl could be in our presence today at lunch with Ashley. In her belly. I pray no matter what that she is safe and healthy. But if today is this day, what will the next 2.5 months be like? Filled with anxiety and anticipation? I am sure! Yesterday Drew insisted on making a bow barette FOR HIS BABY SISTER.

His teachers wrote "Lil Ms. Tuff" on the pink bow. So sweet. I got tears in my eyes. And then last night he intentionally placed the bow right next to the card and gift box that I set aside for Ashley. He doesn't know who the box and card are for. Or maybe he does?! Wouldn't that be something?! So I have to leave work in 20 minutes to meet Jay and drive to Dunkin Donuts to meet with Ashley (and Sue, the birthparent advocate). Nervous stomach come now or STAY AWAY! I am going to try to fix my hair once again. And put on some lip gloss. And say some prayers.